Sometimes, I'm not a people person.

I really debated writing this blog today OR just sitting on my hands in an effort to behave. 

Clearly only one of those options panned out.

I'm having that "People Annoy Me" frustration spike that comes when one or more of your coworkers grind you down into a state in which going postal seems quite possible  (no need to call the authorities....we all know I'm lazy and would rather save my energy for planning other things.  Like my birthday party.  Which will be two months from yesterday).

I've worked in some crazy places in my life. My pal, Kathy, and I spend a year or so at IBM overseeing contract administrators. These were the creme de la creme of bad employees.

You know it's going to be a bad day when you get a call first thing from a manager reporting that her admin has a baby under her desk.


Me, "A baby?"
Them, "Yes, a baby. In a car seat. Under her desk"
(Turns out her sitter was sick and she didn't want to leave the baby at home alone.  Good intentions.  Poor solution skills).

Then there were the daily phone calls from another contractor explaining why she wasn't coming to work - which never failed to include very specific descriptions about what was coming out one or more of her body cavities.  An immediate rule was established to never listen to voicemail while eating breakfast.


Yet, these folks were always positively stunned when we had to let them go.  There was simply no way to walk them through the logic of "You've missed 14 days of work this month...therefore we have to fire you." or "You have a baby.  Under your desk.  You can't stay.  Because of the baby.  Under your desk."


I suppose I should count myself lucky that I wasn't born with an ingrained sense of entitlement.  I suppose I should be proud that I don't try to cheat the system or do an average job when I could do a great one.  The problem is, when you work with someone who does possess those qualities (?), it's enough to drive you straight over the edge.

I had a mood shift this morning just as soon as I walked into our empty office and through a giant pooh colored carpet stain.  Yesterday someone dropped an entire cup of coffee on the carpet just outside the kitchen door.  The kitchen - where there are rolls and rolls of paper towels.  That could be used for cleaning up spills - such as, for example, coffee on the carpet.

When I'd arrived at work yesterday, the coffee was still pooling into the carpet.  No one cared to admit being the guilty party - I guess I can't blame them as it would also mean admitting to be too lazy to clean up after themselves.

So clearly this was going to dry into a giant, attractive stain. I suggested to our office manager that she ping the building's customer service to have the cleaning person stop in.  There is a cleaning person in the building all day, so no big deal.  I got a look that would indicate I was sporting at least two heads, if not four.

All day I listened to people dodging the mess, wondering who did it, etc.. And then finally at about 4.45pm...this appeared:

Now, you can see how wet it still is by the sopping into the paper towels.  Today, we have an attractive dried out brown stain thus solidifying our place in the 'we have a nasty office' race:

Which will be how it remains from now until eternity.  Although I did hear the office manager hint that she would probably have to get the carpets cleaned now.  Yes, because yesterday when it could have been addressed it wasn't.  And now it's sunk in there.  I'd actually thought about bringing my own carpet cleaner in today and hitting it.  But, quite frankly, I have my own actual work to do.

Just for fun - this is our cardboard box collection (well, what I could fit in the frame):

This lives behind my desk.  We do have a storage closet to keep them in - but this looks way better.

Back to this morning. 
And what about sent me over the edge. 

I'm sitting at my desk attempting to book airline tickets for one of my managers - on the actual phone with American Express.  When I hear my name taken in vain from the kitchen. 

Minutes later, one of the guys comes out of the kitchen (yes, the phone is still attached to my head) and says, "I just had to empty the K-Cup collector! (for those of you not in the know - the K-Cup coffee maker is the newest way to fill landfills with plastic that won't disintegrate)"  As the phone was still attached to my head, I gave him the Two Thumbs Up! signal.  To which he responded, "Can't you get on that?"

After he removed my foot from his ass....(oh wait, that part didn't actually happen).  What did happen was a fiery response from myself focused on the person who should 'get on that' but can't seem to make the effort.  Fortunately said person had not made her late-to-work appearance yet and I was given a high-five for pointing out the obvious.  Yay me.

The annoying thing is that I promised myself that this year, for 2011, I was not going to let myself get worked up about this stuff.  Fail.  The other annoying thing is...it's my own fault.  Every time I have to play the stand-in office manager, I do a stellar job.  Therefore, unwillingly becoming the go-to girl.

It's the worst kind of Catch 22. 

Clearly I am going to shift my resolution right back to our IBM-days motto.

Nod and Smile.
Nod and Smile.

And keep telling myself that as long as there are no babies under the desks, things are not that bad...

Use it or Lose it.

I think we all have friends that say things like, "Oh, I had five weeks of vacation last year, but never used half of them." or "I'll have to take the whole month of December off to burn through my vacation." or "I always end up with days left over, I can never seem to use them all."

You've just read three sentences that will never cross these lips.

Partly because I don't get five weeks of vacation a week (but pipedreams are real) and partly because I am a firm believer in taking a break.  I mean, I often take breaks DURING the actual workday just to make sure I never round the corner to hair pulling stress levels.  This doesn't always work.

I do think it is confusing sometimes - trying to find that line that separates your work life from your home life.  Although, as I continue towards my mid-life crisis, I'm finding it much easier to keep the two away from each other.

And I do understand that some people like to be defined by what they do for a living.  That's not me - I like to be defined by what I do WHEN I'm living.

Now, I'm no Dr. Phil.  But I'm guessing that time off is important to your brain.  Whether it is to get re-motivated, re-energized, re-focused or, most importantly, re-laxed.  I mean, we all know how they roll across the Atlantic....what with their six week vacation plans and mid-day siestas.

People laugh when I tell them I still take Spring Break.  I'd love to say I've taken one every year since college - but I haven't.  For a decade or so I worked just like most adults - came off the Christmas Holidays, counted down the days until President's Day and then aimed my sights on summer vacation.

But then I switched jobs one March and ended up with a week of nothing-to-do between leaving the old one and starting the new one. 

Here's a sign that you might need to take some more frequent time off - when the idea of time off is daunting because you have no idea HOW you will spend it or WHAT will fill up all the hours of nothingness.  So, that March, I had my first Spring Break in years - and it was fan-relaxing-tastic.

Now, I haven't been able to celebrate Spring Break every year (okay, full disclosure, there have been a few very excellent years where I went on mega-vacations for which I had to hoard my days off...worth it).  But when I have an open year (as in...not much planned...) I go for it.

This year, I'm heading out to Burbank to visit a friend of a friend who I have now forced to be my friend.  Tickets are booked.  And my anal side has started setting aside outfits in my head.  No spreadsheets just yet - should be up and running by mid-March, though.


I've also become a firm believer in stay-cations.  While I'll always be biased towards actually going somewhere - there is something very nice about waking up and realizing the biggest thing on your schedule is the move down to the couch.

Actually, I try to do this once a week.  Unsuccessfully.  But I always go into Sunday reminding myself that it's supposed to be a day of rest.  A for Effort.  F for Fail.

For fun I did a search in Google under "Why Vacations are Good for You."  Turns out there are about a gazillion articles supporting the idea.  And if it's on the net, well, you know it has to be true.

Some of the reasons I dug up:
Vacations Promote Creativity (True.  Especially if you go with others - it's always tricky to ensure everyone's happiness)
Vacations Stave Off Burnout (Definitely.  Except when you get back and have 900 emails from people who failed to read your 'out of office')
Vacations Can Keep Us Healthy (Well...if that's the case, you might not be doing it right...)
Vacations Promote Overall Wellbeing (Yes. There's nothing more confidence-building than coming back loaded with crazy trip stories)
Vacations Can Strengthen Bonds (Clearly this person has never traveled with a gaggle of girls.  Equals cat fights)
Vacations Can Help With Your Job Performance (I like to think it doesn't help my job performance to have me out of the office.  I like to think when I'm out, the place is crumbling to the ground)
Vacations Relieve Stress in Lasting Ways (Again, right after you get through the 900 emails, things seem less stressful)
 

Some people even take vacation a step further and go on their own.  No one to report to, no schedule to keep.  That's actually a little extreme for me. 
 
I have no problem making friends with strangers, but still - I think it's way better to have someone to share the stories with.  Or at least help vote on which stories will be made public.
 
My parents have actually taken their vacation level up several notches with a motorhome.  They are on the road so much that their regular/vacation days have actually flip-flopped.  Vacations are now spent at their own house doing laundry, tracking down the cat and re-stocking the RV.  It seems to work - they haven't aged a bit in years. 
 
I guess the bad news for those non-vacationing weirdos is that at the end of the year, they are going to realize that there are no awards for perfect attendance. The good news is, I'll have plenty of memories to share with them while they lick their "I work too much" wounds.
 
 

Oh, Old Man Winter...stop trying to charm the pants of this girl!

Is it a sign of aging if I have to zip back through a year's work of blogs to see if I've written one like this yet?  Or is it more of a sign of trust that you wouldn't tell me if I had.  Or maybe it's that I'm never sure if anyone is really reading this - and in that case, I can talk to myself about whatever I want no matter how many times I want.

Winter.  Will you never end?

It's not that I don't believe in saving the environment, Mr. Gore...it's just that that whole Global Warming thing seems to be taking some time off.

Not even one month into the official winter season and we are just wrapping up storm numero seis  (that would be six for those of you less close to our Spanish speaking neighbors).

Many of you reading this reside in the northern part of the country and are wondering what the heck I'm talking about.  Many of you have had snow on your ground since late August. 

That's not how we roll here. 

So, yes, it does get right under my cold-weather-cracked-skin when I speak to the Nanooks, trying to express my tale of snow lock down woes and hear responses such as:

"Wait.  You're home because there's a dusting?" or
"How many days off?  For two inches?!" or
"You share a shovel with five of your neighbors?"

Or, one of my favorites - when trying to explain to my Boston colleagues why I would be late for training due to the airport being shut down...
"Four inches?  or Forty Inches?"
"Four inches"
"Forty?"
"Four."
"I don't understand.  How is your airport closed for four inches?"

Let me give you some examples of why we tend to hunker down in inclement weather.  Or weather.  We really don't call it inclement.  We say, "Looks like some weather's coming." 

Sorry, no deliveries on eggs, milk or bread today....

Rain, sleet, snow or shine...except for the sleet.  Or snow...

New request ~ please limit emergencies to dry days over 40 degrees...

This is what covered EVERY thing on Tuesday morning.  Now, I'll give you the 'driving in the snow isn't that hard' argument (even though I hate it and around here, it's not a great idea).  But, driving on this?  I'd rather put Zip Locs on my feet and try to navigate a field of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.  Spread.

And here's our ammunition.  Watch out primary roads...we're coming to get you.  Secondary Roads?  Stand down - eventually the sun will come back out and have it's way with you...

I really have nothing to say about this one.  It's just a picture from the local news site.  That might prove that thing about rednecks living here.

So yeah - I hear you.  Where you live, you see a snow storm as nothing more than a reason to preheat your car before heading out.  I get it - you live in the land of blizzards and blusters.  Good on you.  You and your Eskimo driving skills rock my world. 

But there's no reason to make me feel badly for living in a state where snow plows are at a minimum (ps - we don't 'plow' our streets here - we scrape them.  Just like we cut off lights.  We cut off our lights and we scrape our roads.  Not only do we not drive in the winter, we have our own secret language).

And you know what else? 

At the end of February, I'll be worrying about how I look in shorts. I win.

Is Cheerleading a Sport? Discuss.

I know, I know - first blog of the year...should be something super inspirational mapping out the next twelve months of Gandhi-like activities.  OR, we could have a debate. 

Okay - just to appease anyone already feeling shafted.  The next twelve months will be much the same as the last twelve months, with a few exceptions.

* I will turn 40 in March.  I'm already planning my own surprise party.  Details to follow.
* I'm going to go to Burbank in April.  California.  Because when Denise invited me, she probably never thought I'd say yes.  Sucker.
* No trip to the Baltics this year - the folks are going to Alsaka (spelled wrong in honor of my pal, Jerri) and I will be on on guest pet duty.  Or doody.

Other than that - I suspect life to remain pretty much status quo as I hit a lot of tennis balls, hang out with friends and pretend Prince Charming is waiting right around the corner. 

There - now let's get back to the important stuff.

Let's face it - over the last decade or so, there have been some changes in the world of athletics.  Extreme Sports are everywhere.  Kick Boxing is spiking in popularity.  And Cheerleading has gone from being a gaggle of spirit ball toting barbies to being a competitive-I-really-meant-to-be-a-gymnast-athon.

My question - raised again last week by a debate that crossed state lines - is...when is something really a sport and when is it just an activity for athletes?

I've always claimed the existence of what I call "Dumbed Down Sports."  Synchronized Swimming...Ice Dancing...Golf...Nascar...

Now, before you come back at me with darts of poison (did I mention Darts?), I'm now saying that the people who participate in these DDS's aren't athletic.  I have no doubt that a guy who spends the better part of the day driving in a circle at 150 plus miles per hour has to be in excellent shape.  Not so much for the driving in a circle part but for the part where he doesn't want to crash, pee or starve.

And I've stood on ice skates before - it's hard.  I get it.  I'm just saying that there a lot less sport in dancing together than there is in throwing your partner through the air, asking her to do a bunch of twirls and then land on her feet.

I think part of the problem is the Olympics. If you know me at all you know I have a severe case of OCD when it comes to the Olympics.  I plan my TV viewing months in advance - scoping out which channel is showing which event and when.  My DVR becomes a ballet of sorts (ballet...is that a sport?) as I schedule recordings to stop and start within milliseconds of each other. 

However, the IOC takes the liberty of dropping and adding sports willy nilly.  Without contacting me.  And some of there choices have left me a bit perplexed.  Most obviously, Curling.  Defined as "a sport in which players slide stones across a sheet of ice towards a target area."  Well, hell, you may as well throw in shuffleboard as well - venues could be the local pubs, thus saving money and providing built in concession stands.

As it turns out - the IOC picks participating sports not based on the athletics of it - but on whether or not it is currently popular and well-practiced across the world.  Well, thanks IOC, for confirming my belief that the existence of Dumbed Down Sports is real.  I mean, that pretty much says Olympic Events are based on popularity, not difficulty level.

Some of the list of sports recognized by the IOC, but not contested in the games?
Air sports (um, like what?  Parachute raises?  I don't think that would be a sport)

Bandy (Huh?)
Billiard sports (Again...shooting pool...DDS)
Bridge (Okay, really?)
Chess (SERIOUSLY.  NOT A SPORT)
Golf (will be part of the 2016 program)
Lifesaving (Important.  Though not a sport.  Though I would curious as to how the winner is determined.)
Pelota Vasca (I think I dated him)
Rugby (sevens will be part of the 2016 program)
Tug of war (Would LOVE to see this on TV)
Underwater sports (Again...would love to see how the winner is determined.  I'm assuming it's the one who doesn't drown)

Okay, let's go to the dictionary...Webster please:
Sport: An active diversion requiring physical exertion and competition.

I'm not going to lie.  When I read this my immediate thought was - wait, where's the part about a winner and a loser?  And jumps of triumph?  And tears of despair?   And broken records and new prodigies who will change the face of athletics?  What about rivalries and salary caps and play offs? Where do the training staffs, entourages and agents fit in? 

Because, when I read that definition - it really made 'sport' seem like a very basic thing.  It takes out all the hoopla and craziness and fanatical behavior.  Yes, competition is required - but there are certainly no guidelines on what makes it competitive - whether it's a judge, a timer, a finish line - all kosher.

It almost points out that maybe, I've over thunk sports. 
Of course, that's doubtful. 
I rarely over think anything. 
As proven by the previous 849 words.

But if sports are really defined as diversions (involving physical exertion and competition)...then maybe I'm the one that's wrong. 

And, maybe cheerleading is a sport, after all?  That hurts.

And yet...in this picture...that popped up when I typed "Sport" into Google Images...I see no spirit balls.

This year I promise to...

You don't really think I'm going to lay out a whole list of resolutions here do you?

Please.

First of all - I know better than to put them to paper, thus making them 'real.'  And second - putting them down on cyber-paper...well, that just seems like a really bad idea all around.

What if people check up on me? 

Pass.

Besides - I already have a system down for my to-do list.  Oh, and in case you're living with your head in the clouds (which I totally support ~ I live like that 75% of the time), that's really all your New Year's Resolutions are - just one big fat to-do list. 

When I make a to-do list (usually for the weekend in case I find myself developing bed sores from lounging on the couch too long) - I start off easy.  It usually looks like this:

1.  Get up.
2.  Drink coffee.
3.  Eat breakfast (eggs?).
4.  Shower (optional).

See?  Just like that, I can knock four things off the list with nary a sweat being broken.  Not only that, but because I'm able to put little check marks next to each of these agenda items - I promote a feeling of accomplishment within - definitely a bonus for any weekend day.

So, I'm just not sure why I'd up my list overnight on December 31st from something that looks like that to something that looks like this:

1.  Run a marathon.
2.  Learn Spanish.
3.  (okay this is hard - I can't even think of difficult things to do)
4.  Get married (lame, but I was struggling).

This list looks much harder than my normal list.  This one looks like there would be a lot of effort and diligence and perseverance involved.  A lot of swearing and sweating and probably crying.  Many bouts of giving up and throwing my hands in the air and...well, pretty much I'd tear up a list like this within the first two weeks of the year.

I guess one thing I don't get is why people think they need to wait until the year turns to make some changes.  My suspicion is that they don't really want to make these changes - and there is, after all, a bit of a cancellation factor involved in any promises made while filled to one's ears with champagne.

("Oh, man, I can't believe I said I was going to lose 50 pounds...I mean, whatever...I was on my third bottle of bubbly!  I may as well have promised to figure out why deer poop is so tiny!") 

If you want to change something or do something - shouldn't you just go for it when you think of it?  What's this waiting until the New Year to put your plans into action? 

Plus - doesn't the unwritten message with resolutions point to not liking yourself the way you are?  I've worked really hard for the last 29 years (or so) to A) Figure out who I am and B) Learn to like me.  Why am I going to strain my mind by finding ways to change me? 

Pass.

Of course, then there's the added pressure of "What are you doing for New Year's Eve?"  As if not having plans makes you some kind of pariah (Am I only saying that because I don't have plans?  I mean, I don't really know now late I'll be working so it just doesn't make sense to make plans. Really.). 

So now, you not only have to come up with a list of things you want to change about yourself - but make sure you have somewhere to go all fancied up to share this list and somehow keep track of your progress for the next year.

This just seems stupid.

Instead how about I wrap up work with a pizza (or maybe Chinese food. Or would that make it Chinese New Year?), watch some pre-recorded movies (likely to be Eclipse) and then flip over to Ryan/Dick at 11:59pm so I can say I was awake for the New Year. 

How about I just go with that plan straight from the get go?  If anything else happens, I'll just call it a bonus. 

To Do List:

1.  Order Pizza (or Chinese Food)

2.  Open Beer

3.  Curl up on the couch

4.  Move to bed at 12:05am.

Don't Ask, Don't Tell - unless you want to.

Oh, I've been a-strugglin this week with what to write about - urgh. Sometimes it's hard.

I would like to, for instance, spend mucho time bemoaning my work schedule for the next week. But I feel like I might be the only one entertained.

Or I could give you the run down on the presents now safely packed on my sleigh (despite a certain beagle eyeing me up should I decide to let someone open one early).

There's always the weather. The cold, cold arctic weather. But, ironically - here on the second day of winter, it is 50 degrees...our first break of the year. It'll be short-lived - there's a storm brewing for the weekend.

Wanted to keep it kind of light - but I think I may have to go around my elbow to get there.

Because...

I read something today that made me think bad thoughts (not dirty thoughts - I said 'bad' - like vengeful).

Now let me start this by saying, I'm not gay. I'm straight up straight. I have friends who are gay - close friends. I'm sure some of you remember two years ago when I even had the joy of marrying two of my friends in one amazing ceremony.

So, watching the repeal of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" has been kind of cool. I've never really understood the 'big' deal - but imagined it was much like the old days when only white men were allowed to join the armed forces. In other words...ignorance...

We're going to take a test now. I want to you to look very carefully at this photo:

And before I ask the test question - take a minute to say a big thank-you to each of these soldiers.

They deserve that respect more than anything in the world.

Now, looking at this photo, can you tell which of these coffins holds the body of a gay soldier?

Because all I see is the sacrifice of several people who volunteered to give their life to protect our freedoms.

I live in the bible belt. You can't spit around here without hitting a church and fifty percent of the time it'll be Baptist. The local lack of backlash over this repeal has been refreshing. Or maybe I'm wearing my star-spangled-banner-colored glasses again. Or maybe it's because this is a military-heavy area and people understand the trials and tribulations of living this life.

I also think I have a better personality than a lot of people. I know how that sounded. And I meant it. Because I can't think of an appropriate way to put it.

If I say I'm more tolerant than others - it implies that there is something to tolerate - and I never feel that way when I'm hanging out with my gay friends.

If I say I'm more accepting than others - no, that's not it either. I don't go around looking for degenerates to 'accept.' I just know I like having friends. And don't really care what they look like, where they come from or who they're sleeping with.

Right, moving on. So, this is what I read today via a Facebook Post linked to an article about the repeal,

"How sad that in this day we give extra protection, rights, & accommodations to what God calls sin. It is not fear, hate, or ignorant to stand up for what God defines as right and wrong."

Well, I about fell out.

I haven't decided yet on the future 'friend' status of this person - proving that my tolerance level is actually quite low.

Let me pick through this though and try to make sense of it.

"How Sad" - nope, not sad. Happy. Proud. Allowing people who want to fight for our country into the military.

"We give extra protections, rights and accommodations..." Um. Huh? Replacing the protections, rights and accommodations that we've taken away is not the same thing as giving extra. Let me break it down. We each have one apple. Some random person takes yours away. Later, I find another apple and give it two you. I haven't given you extra, I've just evened us up. See...you had none. Now you have one. Which is what I have. It's not extra.

And what extra protections are being given? I really do ask that out of pure stupidity. Will the gay military population get special armor? I mean, I'm guessing we aren't offering special shirts to let the enemy know who should get special treatment in case of a suicide drive by.

"...to what God calls sin" I can only assume the same feelings stir up every time a child molester or convicted murderer gets to stroll on back to the streets. Because I have a much bigger problem with repeat offenders than I do with gays in the military. I'm just saying. On one hand, we have a guy/gal who is willing to give their life for our country. On the other, we have a guy/gal who, having gotten bored with a current adulterous relationship, is moving towards your partner. Or what about the perpetual drunk driver who has already served time for involuntary manslaughter, yet is back behind the wheel after a fifth? Guess who I think should get 'special' treatment.

Just to clarify - God and I are very much on speaking terms again. There is no lightning predicted above my head today. You know who is tolerant? God.

"It is not fear, hate, or ignorant to stand up for what God defines as right and wrong." I agree. I also believe it is kosher to stand up for what YOU define as right and wrong - and maybe not hide behind your religion. Admit it's your own intolerance and I might have more respect for you.

(I might have just thrown out my temple vein.)

The bottom line - as I see it - is, it's a small world after all. Can't we all just get along?

There are some pretty big issues floating around the universe right now.

There's that whole global warming issue.

And there's that thing where we are absolutely destroying the planet we live on with each trash heap of K-Cups and retired cell phones.

Then there's that problem where our children aren't getting educated enough to keep up with the rest of the world.

There's that thing where people have gotten so poor they have to turn in their pets to the shelter because they can no longer feed them.

So maybe spend less time worrying about who is out there protecting you. Maybe just nod, smile, say 'thank you' and move onto something bigger.

Cubicle Etiquette ~ my thoughts...

My boss sent us this article a few weeks ago - and I thought it was pretty funny.  I want to preface this with a picture of what 99% of the cubes in my office look like.


I guess working in the land of virtuality - cubes have really become more of a rest stop than a home-away-from-home.  So there is less making it feel like your personal space than there was in the past, maybe.

Unless your me. 

I still live by the philosophy that you should be comfortable wherever you are.  Therefore, my cube is a bit different.  You'll see that later.


First, though - the article (perhaps with a few thoughts thrown in...)

It’s your cubicle. You even have a nameplate. So it’s your personal space, right? Not really. It’s more like a seat at the dinner table than a room in the house.  I already see a flaw in this theory - because isn't our seat at the dinner table always the same place?  It's your spot - and God forbid one of your siblings try to slip into it.  Have you ever, for instance, tried to sit where your Dad sits?  I think we know how that ends.

In other words, any sense of privacy is an illusion. Treat your office space with respect if you want to be taken seriously in the workplace. Uh Oh.


You want to keep your job? Avoid doing any of these 15 inexcusable activities at your desk.


Personal grooming
As annoying as that little snag in your fingernail or chip in your polish may be, resist the temptation for an on-the-spot fix. Oh sure, it will just take a moment. But before you know it, you've filed the rest of your nails and touched up your toes, much to the dismay of anyone within range of the grating sounds and noxious fumes.  Also, consider that every snip of the nail clipper will generate a clipping that may descend gently into your trashcan -- or alternately fly into office space with your DNA affixed to it.


Shaving? Tweezing? Dental floss? Eww. If you wouldn't do it in front of your boss, don't do it at your desk
* I've never touched up my toes, shaved or flossed at my desk.  However, for the record, my nail clippers are one of the most popular items in the 'mom' drawer. Just ahead of the static guard.

Assembling sandwiches
Unless you actually work on an assembly line, there's no excuse for assembling sandwiches or other meals at your desk. You make your kids pack their school lunches the night before, right? There's a reason.

No one needs to watch (or smell) you smear mustard on naked bread and then pile on the deli meat just so.
* Again, I disagree.  You only have to look as far as our nasty office break room to know why I have desk assembly.  See, I know what's been on my desk.  I know what's touched it.  It's safer.


Excessive decorating
Yes, you practically live at your desk. But in reality, you don’t. Whose reality?


So skip the over-the-top seasonal decorations like the bobble head pumpkin man with glowing eyes and a menacing cackle, the musical snow globe that plays "The 12 Days of Christmas" any time someone walks by, your motivational "Valentine's Day Suck" poster... They'll work better as home décor -- or on the bargain table of your next garage sale.


Framed college diploma or professional awards? Yes. Stuffed tiger mascot that roars when you squeeze its big toe? Not so much.
*Fail.  I have no such awards in my current gig.  I do have a stuffed rooster that crows when you sling shot it across the room.  And a pumpkin that eerily laughs.  And a duck quacker.  And a lot of other stuff.  You really never know when you're going to need a break from that reality mentioned earlier...


Undressing the part
If the shoes look good but pinch your toes, too bad. You put them on today. And they're staying there until you get back home ... or at least to your car.


Same with the itchy wool jacket. Yes, you can toss it back on in time for your afternoon meeting. But what if your boss peeks in to introduce a new hire and you're sitting there in a cloud of foot odor and perspiration? Highly unprofessional.
*Wait, I actually agree with most of this.  I can't stand when people walk around barefoot in the office - it skeeves me.  But I also understand a gal's need to keep both a pair of flip-flops and slippers handy - because heels get painful and office temperatures fluctuate like the stock market.

Hitting the marketplace
Buying or selling in the office place is bad form. That means no checking on how your old baseball cards are faring on eBay and no hunting down the best deal on snow tires from your office chair.


If you're a good employee, you're meticulous about details and any "quick check" would certainly turn into a comprehensive search on company time. Or worse, you'd be time crunched to make a hasty regrettable decision (how's that Toothpick of the Month Club working out for ya?).


Better to save the online shopping and eBaying for the middle of the night, where it belongs.
*Wait, are they trying to guilt me into staying away from eBay by insinuating that I'm meticulous? Begging to differ...a good employee actual has a ridiculous multi-tasking ability which allows one to tap around the iPhone while talking on the office phone while running several reports while solving a crossword while responding to email while placing a final bid.

Checking your winks
Yes, the blond snowboarding enthusiast on that online dating site is just your type. Did he respond to that email you sent? Did he notice the dashing new profile photo you posted of you standing next to that random sports car?


Three words: Love is patient. He can wait. You can wait. If there's going to be magic, it will still be waiting on your home computer tonight after work.
*Okay, actually, I agree here too.  But only because there is nothing I want worse than to broadcast my perpetual single status.  And I certainly don't want to witness someone else's online dating success while my attempts live in a town called Fail.

Talking too loud, too soft or in code
The only thing more annoying than hearing co-workers' loud telephone conversations is hearing their whispered conversations. And the only thing worse than the dramatic whisper is Code Talk. You know, those careful conversations that begin with, "I really can't talk about it right now, but..." Stop it. Stop right there. Before the "but."


There will be no word substitution or pointed innuendo. No saying "the situation we talked about" which means "my coworker who wears that really nasty cologne." Do not attempt to describe last night's date without actually using the word "date." Save the play-by-play for later when you can use complete sentences.
*OR instead of avoiding talking in code by not talking about certain situations at work, you could just buck up and share everything with your cube mates.  Consider them your unpaid shrinks.  I'm pretty sure no one minds.  I'm admittedly a loud phone talker.  My nearest cube friend is a low talker.  People like us equally.  So apparently it doesn't really matter.

Moping around
OK, Snowboard Guy was The One. You knew it. Your friends knew it. But he somehow missed out on that whole love vibe. So now your life is basically over, and you have no one with whom to deflect Aunt Margaret's sympathy at the family Christmas dinner.


Psssst. That’s personal. You’re at work. If you feel emotional, it’s better to sniffle in Stall #3 than at your desk. And if you focus on today’s tasks instead of moping over The One, you’re not only modeling professionalism, you will actually heal faster.
*Okay, now I'm starting to think that the person who wrote this works either in Candyland or with Willy Wonka.  At the minimum, we're at work 40 hours per week.  Is it realistic to think that the folks around you won't pick up on tid bits from your life?  And what if you completely f up a project because you're an emotional wreck.  Dang right I'll share the details - sounds a heck of a lot better than, "I'm just a moron."  And what better way to 'heal faster' than to recruit a team of sympathizers in your office?

Sending self portraits
You would never make a personal call at your desk where everyone can overhear you. (Good for you!) But what about sending a quick photo of yourself at the new job with your cell phone camera?
I'm already lost here.  Is it because I've done both?  And probably within the last 48 hours?

Of course you need to get a decent picture first. No, not that one. It makes your nose look big. If you hold your arm out a little further .... Maybe put the phone on the edge of your desk, angle your face toward the computer and snap the shot with your right foot...
*Lucky break, I already know there is no such thing as a decent picture.  The sooner you accept this the more time you'll save with photography.

Pretending you aren't sick
If you're going through enough tissues to dent a small rainforest, go home.


Yesterday when you worked past five with those occasional sniffles, you were dedicated and tough. Today you're just gross. You know that cringing feeling you get when someone is sneezing uncontrollably, hacking like a barking seal or blowing their nose a little too often and a lot too loudly? Uh oh. I might have been that person this week.


Sandy in the next cubicle has moved past cringing and is applying hand sanitizer to her face. And guess who she's going to blame if she gets sick?
Whoops.  Traditionally, I agree with this.  Traditionally.  Unless, like me, you took your last day off for the year and immediately after contracted the plague.  That's just bad luck.  On the other hand, I think my efforts to stay in the game balance out the overuse of alleged sick days taken by others.

Saving it for later
Yum! Half of a big crusty bakery muffin and the remains of that Paprika Maple Latte that you might want to finish later (if you decide you really do like it after all).


Define "later." If later will occur within the next hour, by all means keep the muffin and your red flecked drink to the side on your desk. But put the muffin back in the bag and keep a lid on the latte.

Leftovers are bad enough in the fridge, left on your desk they will colonize. And mold is bad for business.
*Well, shoot, I agree with this one too.  Only because in my office, we often have science projects happening in the fridge.  On the other hand...when I left yesterday, there were four Clementines sitting on my desk that I meant to eat 'later.'

Engaging your imaginary friend
We all talk to ourselves occasionally. "You are parking the car in Row G," "Paper towels, bananas, peanut butter..." It keeps us in the moment and helps us remember song lyrics.


The trick is to keep the conversation private. Between you and you. If you say it out loud, it's between you, Sandy (who's still ticked off about all the sneezing) and whoever happens to walk by.
*I'd like an addendum to this one.  If you live alone, talking to yourself is fine.  Chances are you are so acclimated to self conversations that stopping them would be as easy as stopping breathing.  Plus, as I do have the plague, how am I supposed to tell if I've lost my voice yet if I'm not in a constant dialogue with myself?


Sleeping on the job
Unless Human Resources handed you a pillow along with your ID badge, you should assume that sleeping is not a part of your job. Calling HR right now.  This is a brilliant suggestion.


While midday siestas are acceptable in many European and Asian countries and have even proven to increase productivity, they are still newsworthy in the U.S., meaning that workplace napping is not the norm. OR it means I am ahead of the curve and very forward thinking.


Yes, if you angle your chair just so, chances are no one will notice the occasional head bob when you jerk awake from a quick snooze. But better that you master your TV recorder and watch late night shows when it fits with your natural biological rhythms.
OR encourage others to nap as well.  And learn to wake yourself up by saying the word "Amen" and no one will be the wiser.

Sneaking one little kiss/hug/squeeze
He picked you up for lunch at the office. This is serious. He's met your boss. Could your friends and parents be next? It's not like you'd ever actually make out in your cubicle. But you're in love! Just one little kiss? Risky. Pick the wrong moment (or the wrong guy) and your private moment will go viral.


There will be a strange and sudden hush when you walk into the break room. People will snicker. Just keep in mind that your sofa is in your living room and that your cubicle is on company property and you'll be fine.
*Agreed.  No one wants to see that.  Ever.

Cursing up a storm
From the back of the bus in middle school, a well-timed swear word may have given you an aura of maturity (as long as the bus driver didn't overhear and reassign you the seat directly behind him), but at work or in any professional setting, cursing is viewed as unpolished behavior.


If you can't control your own language, how does your boss know you're capable of steering that marketing project to the next level? Come up with alternate word choices and practice saying them instead. Eventually, they'll become new word habits that will work in your favor, not against you.
*Again, does this writer work at Candyland?  I'll go 50-50 here.  Cursing up an actual storm can be uncomfortable for the people around you.  But is also generally good for a story later.

Listen to your conscience
Not sure if something's a desk do or a desk don't? Use common sense and enlist your conscience. The little voice that said "don't" to uploading your Lady Gaga dance moves to Facebook is your friend.
It wants you to win at work and in life. Listen to it.
*This makes a rather large assumption, no?  Conscience?  Sounds familiar.  Think I've heard of it before.  Somewhere in the dictionary near Common Sense.  I feel like it's way far away from that other theory about asking for forgiveness later...

In general, I'm sure there's some good advice in that article.  But it seems to come from a few strange places - like the Old Days.  Or Disneyland Corporate Headquarters.  The real world?  Not the same.  Work is no longer an impersonal place - people know you and your story - you are battle mates.  Things are out in the open, talked about and laughed about. 

So back to my cube...remember the one up top?  The one that represents most of the cubes in my office?  Yeah...mine's the anti-norm:

But, really - wouldn't you rather sit next to me than the other guy?