I debated and debated even writing a blog this week - mainly because my gloomy mood doesn't match up to my witty wordsmith ways. But then I imagined people wondering what happened, why I was a slacker, if they'd been cut from the subscription list, taken off the fan mail list, etc. etc.
But still I debated.
Who really wants to read a blog about a crappy week?
Who really wants to hear that sometimes even the best, creative, fun, inspiring, thought-provoking people (that would be me) can have a plummet of emotion for no reason at all.
Turns out a lot of people.
I have no idea why this was the week that my mental capabilities took a cliff dive. I have a lot of suspicions though:
Crazy Busy March
Crazy Fun March
Lots of Friends in March
Turned 40 in March
Inhaled a whole pine tree in March
Really - you can see the problem.
I should have skipped March.
Because suddenly when April rolled around last weekend - my body and mind was like, "Simmer down, Trigger, we're done."
I do have a habit of running at 120 miles per hour 99% of the time. (Obviously I don't mean actually running). And then coming to a quick stop at the end of the energy rope with a jerk. I think a lot of women do that - trying to be everything to everyone and then finally when they've exhausted themselves - just collapse into a puddle somewhere.
So that was me. And is me. Although I'm making progress.
The problem is that about mid-morning on Monday I was hoping for an express pass to the funny farm so I could just curl up in a white robe on a white bed in a white room. Which then didn't make sense because who can really catch up on their sleep in such a bright environment?
Mind you - I've gone from a sinus infection to allergy season and therefore haven't been able to get good clean air for a good month. I don't know why the ongoing feeling of suffocation would bother my mood. Or why waking up every hour to once again attempt to cough a lung through my esophagus would cause me to miss valuable sleep.
And being smart - I just went ahead and made Monday appointments with both the head doctor and body doctor to load up on both make-me-breath and make-me-relax drugs. And being not smart, opted to take them both at once.
Which lead to Tuesday's expression of discontent from the stomach area of my body. So then, I was not only mentally spent but also living in a physical revolution so bad that I had to go to the doctor yet again. FML.
It's a wonder NASA never came calling with those kinds of smarts.
I guess if anything good comes out of this week it is this - girlfriends are my lifeline. I've never once called up a girlfriend brimming with tears and had them tell me anything but, "Oh, you're having a total breakdown for no reason? Yeah, that happens to me, too."
Or in later days, "Why didn't you call me? I would have come over and sat with you!"
Women need each other. Women go through stuff. Women need to release the river some days. Women will hold each other's hands, pass along tissues, offer hugs and spend hours simply listening to the sobs on the other end of the phone.
There will never be a judgement. There will never be a smirk. There will never be a 'I'm just too busy."
There will always be an understanding. There will always be encouragement. There will always be an "It's okay, I get it."
And no matter how many times you try to express how incredibly stupid you feel, they'll have none of it.
I get really frustrated at not having 'real' problems. I know how ridiculous that sounds - that I'm upset because I'm not really upset about anything particular. But I look around and see women with real issues -sick kids, fertility problems, douche bag baby daddies, money woes, unemployed husbands, etc..
And then I think, "Yeah, I can see why my post-March-dum depression would rate. But it does. In their book.
So I guess why I decided to share this is so that you know that you're not in the mud alone. I've been there. I am there now, but am working my way out.
And I just wondered why women don't talk about it more often so that we all know it's okay.
So go tell your friends now that sometimes you lose your cookies for no reason - so that if they do later, they'll know they can call you.
Maybe I should start one of those Facebook Status Update movements.
"If you or someone you know has ever lost their mental cookies, copy and repost this to your status so people know you're just like everyone else."
Actually, no let's not do that. It drives me bonkers when people do that. And I've declared this week a bonkers-free zone.