Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Now THAT's a Friendship

There's no reason to share this with you - BUT - I feel you should know that 99% of the time I start blogging, I hear Doogie Howser music in my head.  And then I wonder if other blog-people hear it too.  Which then makes me think of "How I Met Your Mother," and how much I love Neil Patrick Harris.


After a rather gloomy post last week, I thought some smiles may be necessary.

So, I'm totally flaking out and stealing an email from a friend...(and of course will add my own thoughts).
Here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cute little smiley faces on this ~ just the stone-cold truth.

1. When you are sad ~ I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.  (Right off the top, we have a favorite of mine - The Revenge Plot.  Hours of time spent thinking about the bad things that could accidentally happen to someone who has done you wrong.  And, in rare cases, following through on brilliant ideas.  One of my best was dousing the insides of a newly-ex-boyfriend's stereo speakers with catnip.  Man, he loved those speakers.  Man, the cat did a job on them.)

2. When you are blue ~ I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.  (Actually, I'm not much of a 'helper' when it comes to health emergencies.  I'm more likely to sidle away and  hope that you pass out and forget I was even there.  I will, however, do my best to find someone else to help you.  And when I retell the story of what happened, I will be the star.)

3 When you smile ~ I will know you are thinking of something that I would probably want to be involved in.  (Because a true friend knows the difference between a smile, a sinister smile, a leer, an I-just-farted grin, a fake smile, a trying-not-cry smile and the I-know-it's-not-appropriate-to-smile-and-I'm-trying-so-hard-not-to smile.)

4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get, until you're NOT. (The truth in that is sometimes making someone feel incredibly stupid about their worries is the best way to make them go away.  I'm all for that.  However, when working in reverse, please remember that I just prefer a good coddling.)

5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be, until you quit whining.  (This is actually the only time EVER that a one-upper friend is useful.  You know the kind - the friend who always has a more dramatic, more tragic, more worse story than your own. So much so that you eventually just start making tragedies up to see if she can do better?)

6. When you are confused ~ I will try to use only little words.  (Also useful if alcohol consumption peaks)

7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
(Unless it's that 48 hour bug where you throw up a lot and lose ten pounds.  Then I want it.  Otherwise I'll be happy to leave drugs on your doorstep.  Or toast in your mailbox.)

8. When you fall ~ I will laugh at your clumsy ass, but I'll help you up.  (And apply band aids as needed - perhaps lots of them.  I will definitely wait to laugh until I'm sure you're okay.  Or at least until the crying has subsided.  But I'll definitely sit in the ER if  needed and try to pick up random doctors while you're getting swathed.  Actually (and this is irrelevant) the gal who sent me this was also the one who, after her second day of work with me, got to bandage ME up.  I had sprained both ankles and had blood pouring down my legs when I showed up in her new office and said, " we have a band aid?"  At which time she scanned my wounds and said, "Yeah, this is going to take more than a band aid so how about you just meet me in the bathroom." Great friends ever since.)

9. This is my oath .... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask ~ because you are my friend.  (And if you are really my friend - you have seen me at my absolute worst - and you didn't run for the hills.  Either you are a total sucker or a true friend.  Or you know that eventually I'll pick myself up and laugh again and you are just waiting to hear it.)


Anonymous said...

too good... i like the fall part, however, i think would fall too with me!!!! have a good one and keep on writing, i love it!

melissa said...

You could do the hiney-lick maneuver for #2... just sayin'...

Jenn Duval said...

I like that I was once part of number 5 and am pretty sure i know exactly who you were talking about when you wrote it!